A DIVA intervention I fear for my fellow divas life. Really, I do.

My nearest and dearest diva recently referred to a fantastic fondue outing as "Overpriced cook it yourself hoopla"

And I am afraid. Very afraid.

Ever since June turned in her keys to the city of Dallas, she has been out and about in hick town. Doing things like playing pool, not enjoying overpriced dinners, picking up the venacular of the locals (words like hoopla do not exist in the diva dictionary), and two stepping.

It is my summation that she is in her own personal hand basket to hell. And I must stop it.

If she continues down this path the next thing we know, she will be hocking her Fendi and buying purses at Wal Mart, drinking Orange flavored Boones Farm and calling it a mimosa, and living in a home that has plastic pink flamingos gracefully poised among the flower beds.

I am holding a fantastic piece of jewelry to entice you June... Come back to the light!  ¶ 12:32 AM 7 comments

  The good, the bad, and the ugly. You know those nights that you go out, and it was so bad it was good, Or so good it was bad depending on how you look at it?

June and I frequented our favorite hick, teen bar this weekend... The fun, as always was overwhelming.

Without further adue- The Top Ten list you have all been waiting for.

Top Ten Ways to know you had a really good (or bad) night:

10. At bar close, you consider the thought of pouring all of the remaining alcohol that has pooled into the spill mats behind the bar into a cup and drinking it

9. When you wake up the next morning, the inside of your mouth tastes as if you licked the floor of the bar.

8. You were awakened by your own personal bar aroma.

7. You cannot seem to open your eyes due to the whiskey tears, eyeliner, and mascara, that are keeping your eyes glued shut.

6. When reviewing pictures of the nights happenings on your digital camera, you wish you could become an ostrich and bury your head in the sand.

5. Two words: Whiskey Shakes.

4. You start reciting scenes from 'Interview With A Vampire' as soon as you are exposed to the sunlight.

3. You have the feeling that while you were asleep, aliens moved into your brain, and they are trying every way imaginable to get out.

2. When asked if you would like to go out the next evening, you drop to the floor and curl up in the fetal position.

And the number one reason you know your night was really good, or bad.....

1. When trying to tally up the amount of drinks you consumed, you lose count after you utilize all of your fingers and toes.  ¶ 12:47 AM 4 comments

  Tits and Tats Today, in my infinite wisdom and canny curiosity, I tried out the ways of the "Braless Wonder" (AKA June).

I had recieved the gift of getting several new assholes ripped for me this fine evening, and decided to seek solstice in the parentless home of June.

So I grabbed the necessities(Makeup bag and purse), and off I went. Only I left the biggest necessity behind.

I, Ms. S'Ghetti, who was blessed in the way of breast, left the house without a bra. Then I realized that I needed gas. Then June informed me that we would be getting a frozen tasty treat. Then June needed gas.

Until tonight, the people that had seen me without a bra on was a select list... Mom, June, and maybe five other people. I sleep in the damn contraptions. And now I know why I wear the things.

All of this bouncing around has caused me to lose brain cells.

I swear, I am stupider for the experience.

(June explains this phenomenon by saying that it is because I was hit in the head by my own "tits". I say Junes response is just the jealousy of Ms. Mosquito bites herself)  ¶ 9:08 PM 9 comments

  Aimless Wandering is Kind of Fun. So.....

I am way too old to still be in college, this I know.

But you are nuts if you think I am avidly awaiting the adult world with baited breath. Rent, Car payments, Working full time, Going to bed by 10 PM to get up at the ass crack of dawn, all of that crap... Sounds pretty crappy to me.

The closer I get to graduation, the more people think it is an excellent idea to ask me what I plan on doing when I graduate...

Truth be told: I have no clue.

I will have a degree in Development and Family Studies, with a dual minor in Health Promotions and Psychology. What does that all add up to? Nothing. It means I will know people.

So what do people who know people do with their lives? I don't really know. Go back to school? Maybe.

I do know that I have extremely lavish taste, and I need to find a career in which I can support the lifestyle I have grown accustomed to.

And that, my friends, is all I know.

With this truthball of destruction aimed at myself, I would like to request one thing.

Kindly stop asking what I am going to do when I grow up.  ¶ 7:03 AM 2 comments

  Quote of a lifetime. Sometimes you hear a priceless quote that is too good for words....

Yesterday I heard this one...

"What is the matter with you?!? Have you been gargling with bong water?"

Priceless.

What is your favorite quote?  ¶ 8:19 PM 3 comments

  This means WAR!!! Here is a shocking revelation for you.... I love my accessories. They are the fruit of my loin, the sunshine of my life, they are my FAVORITE thing.

Apparently, they are my puppy's favorite thing as well. She seems to have an affinity for silk scarves. And shoes (shockingly my favorite pairs). And belts.

That lovely beast has learned to open my closet door.

She doesn't chew them up, per say.... She merely carries them around.

She has not touched the purses yet- but the second she does, I will be hosting a weenie roast. She will be the guest of honor.  ¶ 8:46 PM 3 comments

  Pregnant people scare me. Yet another strange phobia of mine... Pregnant People.

Today I went to go get my teburculosis test read, and the doctor that does this is planted in the middle of a whole crap ton of Obstetricians.

Waddling ladies all over the place, and every time one of them passed me, I felt it necessary to steer as clear as possible.

I took the stairs, because five huge pregnant women were waiting on the elevator.

I sat on the left side of the waiting room, because a pregnant person was on the right.

Where does this phobia come from?

I act like these women have leprecy, when in reality all that will happen is that they will shoot out a kid.

With that said, I begin my internship at the Gladney Center for Adoption next week, so I suppose I will get over my fears via submersion.

This should prove to be interesting.  ¶ 10:24 AM 5 comments

  Revision De La Valentines Day. In case you were not paying attention, I revised the calendar this year.

One of my major revisions: Valentines Day.

This particular day has always been profoundly distasteful, single or coupled, and thereby I decided to remove it from the calendar this year. In lieu of it, I have decided that I will celebrate this day by celebrating all of the wonderful things that are in my life. Without further procrastination, I have decided to publish a list of all appropriate gifts for the NEW and IMPROVED Valentines Day(which should be used to celebrate all things fabulous, such as your friends, or people you adore. If you have no friends, and you do not adore anyone, fine. Celebrate with your pet. This holiday is no longer reserved for those coupled fools.) I digress, list as follows.

1) Roses are, to say the very least, overused. And Expensive. For no good reason. Thus, if I were to recieve flowers, it should be lillies and tulips, as those are my favorite. BUT flowers are not the preferred gift for the NEW and IMPROVED Valentines Day, DVD's are. A boquet of DVD's really shows one how much you care, and they will be around until the end of time. Flowers Die.

2) Tacky diamond heart necklaces are simply.... Tacky for lack of a better expression. If I ruled the world, I would have already staged a large corporate meeting with all of the chain jewelry stores outlawing the selling of any less than original jewelry... But alas, I do not rule the world, I simply rule my calendar. The appropriate replacement to this will be either gobs and oodles of costume jewelry -OR- fantastic vintage jewelry.

3) Chocolates and candy are hereby unacceptable. Even the chocolate and candy that comes in the Godiva form is ousted from the list. Instead of focusing on things that are going to make your clothes not fit, I suggest one purchases something that will always fit, accessories. Purses and Shoes and Belts, oh my! Personally, I would prefer a fantastic purse over a truffle any day of the week.

4) While we are on candy, we should probably discuss 'Conversation Hearts.' Where these came from, I will never know. They all taste similar to Pepto Bismol, and they have ridiculous sayings on them that stopped being cute in the fourth grade. The replacement to this monstrosity is simple, one should give away fortune cookies. At least fortune cookies have some redeeming qualities. But please, ensure that each and every cookie has a fortune in it... And you must teach all recipients of the fortune cookies the 'in bed' game that goes along with fortune cookie eating.

The plans for my NEW and IMPROVED Valentines Day seem to be coming along quite nicely, though I am looking for feedback.... Changes to the holiday? You let me know, because I really do care ;)  ¶ 6:14 AM 2 comments

  I do NOT want to discuss sexual satisfaction with a geriatric. New semester started today, and it is official. I am living in a nightmare.

My professor is a direct descendant of Sue Johansen.

And I get to spend six fun filled hours with her every blissful week.

I am thrilled.

Worst part? There is a damn attendance policy.

I am too damn old for this.  ¶ 8:52 AM 2 comments

  Go Read it, and Tell me how much you love me. Two issues for today:

One: I am not feeling the comment love.

So leave a comment, dammit.

Two: Kiss Our Tiara has unveiled a new post.

Go read it, dammit.  ¶ 2:44 PM 2 comments

  An ode to my HLP Oh HLP, Oh HLP, How I love thee.

You make me dinner, and salad, and greens.

You dip chocolate covered strawberries just for me.

Oh HLP, Oh HLP, You hold my hand during Greys Anatomy.

What would I do without you? Simply, I would cry.

Oh HLP, Oh HLP, you quench my thirst with alcohol. We get drunk and talk to your dead grandma.

Oh HLP, Oh HLP--- You create joy for me.

Sober and not, During Highs and lows. I love you so.

THE END.  ¶ 9:39 PM 0 comments

  An Actual Conversation I was sitting in June's chair getting my hair cut... And in walks a lady... The look on my face (as always) said it all. When she was out of earshot, the conversation went something like this.

June: Well, she dresses like Malibu Barbie.

S'Ghetti: Malibu Barbie who shrunk her clothes in the dryer, that is.

June: Who shrunk her clothes, greased her way back into them, and then ate Ken.

S'Ghetti: ((Silently sneaks a peak at the monstrosity)) Yeah, that is about right.  ¶ 7:59 PM 0 comments

  Cellular Phones ARE NOT interested in learning how to swim. My cell phone is amazing.

I love it, plain and simple.

It keeps me in contact with lots of fantastic people,

It keeps me entertained when I am touring the metroplex,

and it holds every number that I know in its lovely little SIM card.

My cell phone, however, cannot perform magic tricks. Hell it cannot even perform regular tricks.

Yesterday, while celebrating Scotty and Salty's half birthday, I decided to see if my phone was thirsty, or if it would like to take a swim in some strawberry kiwi iced tea. It was not interested in either activity, and instead got very irritable with me for even asking.

Long story short, the phone works, but I have no phone numbers unless they are in my head, or if your name begins with letters A-J (I was in the middle of moving my phone numbers from my phone to my planner)

SOOOOO- Drop me an e mail, leave me your phone numbers...

Also, be aware that some of you are listed by nicknames in my telephone, nicknames that you may not know. SOOOO, if you think that I care enough to rename you with something other than your birthname, leave me your number too.

Spaghettiandtruthballs@gmail.com

And please, for the love of god, do not take your electronic devices swimming. They really do not like it.  ¶ 5:33 AM 3 comments

  Ever Felt like knowing what girls really think? Here is your chance.

Introducing my newest distraction,Kiss Our Tiara

A blog compiled by me, Elle, and June (which, in case you were wondering is a sampling of every kind of girl)

Go, read, have fun.

I know we will.  ¶ 11:02 AM 0 comments

  10 Days Clean and Sober... Good enough for me. For those of you who know me well, you know that I swore off the demon alcohol after the 'New Years Eve' fiasco for an undisclosed amount of time.

Well, that lasted for ten days, until my splendid brother stepped in and poured me one of his famouse WHHHHHHIIIIISSSSSSKKKKEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY and diet.

Tonight, I met my brothers girlfriend for dinner, and then we went to visit him at the bar. This was intended to be an innocent drink, but turned into an innocent drink, a few shots (one entitled: Adios Mother Fucker- never a good sign) and a few more drinks to wash the nastiness down. It was true bliss and glory.

And in honor of the ten days of sobriety I have decided to dedicate this blog to the man himself, my big brother- and I will share with you the top ten reasons that I love my bigbro.

10) He taught me to be the tough girl I am.

9) He watches out for me, even when I find it uneccesary

8) He kicks the stupid people that bother me out of the bar.

7) His friends are fricking hilarious.

6) He is the best damn bartender this side of the Canadian border.

5) He appreciates the fact that I say what I think and I think what I say.

4) He makes me laugh.

3) He *finally finally* has good taste in girlfriends.

2) Unconditional support with a reality check is always what he gives.

AND the number one reason I love my big brother:

1) We share the same genes, which means we are all things fabulous together.  ¶ 12:56 AM 1 comments

  Attack of the Covert Snot Peeps. I woke up this morning, like any regular morning. Only my level of apathy was extremely high. We have henceforth decided that this is due to the Attack of Covert Snot Peeps. They are, life sucking, after all.

I mustered up the strength to wash my face, and shower. But when it came down to getting dressed and applying the coveted makeup, I could not find the strength.

I stared into my large bag of expensive makeup, looking for a little inspiration. But, alas, I found none.

There was only one thing to do. Push through it. I MADE myself apply concealer. I insisted that I put powder on. After that, my willpower was shot.

I looked to the makeup gods for inspiration, but alas. Nothing.

There is only one thing to do in situations such as these. You rummage through someone elses makeup- in hopes that their collection provides the much lacking inspiration.

Much to my delight, June's makeup collection provided the inspiration that I needed. You see, I had been missing my elusive MAC plum eyeshadow, named sketch. And what did I find in her vanity? That is correct, Sketch. He has returned to his rightful home, and will provide the inspiration for the look du jour that I will henceforth refer to as "bruise" (which for all of you people who do not understand my lingo, means that I will be sporting a purple and black ensemble.)

Yay for inspiration! Yay for things returning to their rightful homes! And finally Yay for all of the good things that are coming today!!!  ¶ 9:29 AM 2 comments

  Grand Illusions We all know that we are not perfect.

Some choose to strive for perfection, others just embrace their character flaws, and still a certain percentage of the population chose to conceal their character flaws to create an image that is damn near perfection.

Those striving for perfection scare me. What if you do reach "perfection?" What if you are the Best of the Best? You are on top of Mount Everest? You have the elusive 4.0 after graduating from college in the perfect amount of time, you have perfect friends that do perfect things (of course, not as perfect as the you, but perfect none the less), you have perfect clothes, and perfect relationships, topped off with the perfect job. What is that? Illusions of grandeur.

Those concealing their character flaws are ten times more likely to have that hidden bullshit bite them in the ass.

And then there are the honest ones. The ones who embrace imperfection, but like themselves none the less. So in an effort to be honest, I shall now announce five character flaws.

1) News flash, I have a very real ability to be a bitch. It it typically warranted, but none the less, I am not a non bitch.

2) I rarely take the easy road.

3) I suck at lying, but I am famous for telling 85% of the truth. What, pra tel, does this mean? It means that when you ask me a question, I don't lie, I just don't disclose 100%.

4) I am a fundamentally lazy person. I do what I must, I do what I can. But I thouroughly enjoy sitting on my ass watching Judging Amy reruns. I enjoy it far more than doing what I should do.

5) I love gossip. Nay, I LOVE GOSSIP. But I hate to be gossiped about.

And with that, I would like to know other peoples character flaws. So shoot.  ¶ 12:11 PM 3 comments

  Getting Schooled Saturday, A joyous day for all.

This Saturday, I was in need of attending school- What school you say?

The School of Movies, Similar to The School of Rock- only movies.

It was recently called to my attention that I really only watch movies if they are A) Chick Flicks or B) Have Sandra Bullock in them. This void in my life was to be reversed immediately.

While getting ready for my school day, I learned a very important lesson: One should not bring glass containers into the shower, and if one does bring a glass container into the shower, one should be very careful not to break it. And if one does break the aforementioned glass container, one should have a very good plan of action so not to create an extremely hazardous to their health situation... But that is neither here nor there, that is merely a thought that you people should consider.

My professor was splendid, and did not make me watch a horror movie right out of the gates. I watched Almost Famous, followed by Rules of Attraction, and then Poltergeist.

All three were good, and really not comparable... But my personal favorite was Almost Famous. Fantastic movie.

So, schooled I was- and 'Oh my god- I watched three non chick flick movies in a row!!!' You should be so proud of me!  ¶ 8:44 PM 0 comments

  I wish I was kidding. Today marked me and my first real day of the new job.

The perks that go with this job are fantastic. I have an administrative assistant at my disposal, I get paid well, I love what I do, and I am not bound by office hours. What could be bad about it?

And then it happened. I met said 'Administrative Assistant.'

She was a bouncy, hyper, talkative girl. A touch too bouncy, hyper, and talkative. Honestly, I was willing to overlook it... Because, after all, I am 24 years old, and I have an Administrative Assistant at my disposal.

And then it happened, She was sitting at her desk, talking to me/herself, and said "Oh, I have a date tonight, I think I smell, I wonder if I smell ((bends over and sticks her nose up her skirt, takes a big whiff and sits back up)) I don't smell, I have wipes for those days when I dont have time to take showers But I don't smell like fish or anything So I don't smell"

There I was, staring at this **very interesting** girl. Shocked. Completely and totally shocked.

I was so shocked that she rendered me speechless. Completely, Totally, Speechless.

And that, my friends, is a very rare thing.  ¶ 12:02 AM 3 comments

  Diva is in the Bloodlines. You may have heard stories of my Great Aunt Betty before....

You probably have heard the less desirable stories.

Truth be told, she kicks ass.

The woman is a young ninety- two years of age, and until recently walked two miles daily, wore stilettos, and partied like a rockstar.

She still parties like a rockstar.

You see, Aunt Betty is a true 'Diva Extrordinaire'- the woman has three former husbands (two of which she married and divorced twice) and therefore, she has more diamonds than 50 cent.

She also has more mink than anyone has the right to- but my favorite mink posession she has is a mink teddy bear named Sam.

She is a former opera star, and she still commands the stage.

She hangs out with women who are in their forties and fifties, because those old ladies are- well "A Drag"

So you get the point, she is amazing. And with her amazing little life, she has some hilarious little antecdotes, as follows.

"Well just because you fall in the mud doesn't mean you have to stay there."

"Everyone needs more than one husband- Some for love, some for money and some for companionship."

and my personal favorite...

"Oh, I have plenty of money- I married well, multiple times."  ¶ 9:29 AM 0 comments

  The deal makers. The deal BREAKERS. Every once in a blue moon, your friends divulge information to you that brings you to tears, that stops you in your tracks, that just totally blind sides you with hilarity.

Last night I was talking to a dear friend, who shall henceforth be referred to as Elle. Elle was having somewhat of a crisis, but when the crisis was over, the conversation turned to the idiot ideas we had in highschool. Both of us dated/hung out with someone way too old to be dating highschool girls, they were both 26. Both of us thought that this may have made us the coolest chicks in Smithville, only to realize much later that this did not make us cool, rather it made them pathetic and desperate.

And then she shared it. The conversation went something like this... (Sorry, Elle, For the paraphrase) "Oh he was just fine. I thought he was lovely. He had a great job at Merryl Lynch, and he was the big brother to my prom date. But then I found out his tragic flaw... He was- Oh I don't think I can even say it, for fear of a flashback of the horror- Well let me try this again. He was- ummm... He was NOT CIRCUMCISED!!! It was disgusting. I tried to get over it I did, but that skin and **gag noise** and that SKIN and **gag noise** and THAT SKIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh goodness, it is just too much, I thought I was over it, it has been six years, but THAT SKIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **gag noise**" Once she regained composure, she asked me what was wrong with the twenty something that had persued me while I was still in highschool- and I said...

"Oh, he only had one leg. **Insert hysterical demonic laughter here** "

It was truly amusing. The deal makers, the deal breakers. Some change as you get older and wiser. And some never change. Elle, If you are reading, I love ya' and thanks for the hilarious conversation. I owe you one.  ¶ 10:17 AM 1 comments

  The Real Deal I spent a good portion of my morning watching Dr. 90210.

For those of you who are not familliar with it, it is a disgustingly graphic plastic surgery show. I equate it to watching a bad car wreck. You know you SHOULD change the channel, but you don't want to. So you don't.

So they suck the fat from here or there, add some saline, or collagen, or whatever... And they create Barbie dolls.

On the topic of boob jobs- I think they should be banned. Because Dammit, it just perterbs me that we have made it to where we can shove bags of saline under the skin, and that is just as good as the home grown corn fed variety. Total Bullshit. I mean, honestly, BULLSHIT.

And why is it that our society cannot appreciate females unless they fall under the 'perfect' category? Is it really true that all men like the same kind of girl? And that all women like the same kind of guy? Because, I for one, almost always like the same type of boy (Darker hair, darker eyes, and not super skinny)- but they don't look like spitting images of each other, and they don't have to be damn near visual perfection for me to review their application to become a dating associate, I have even dated the occasional blonde.

What happened to liking someone for who they are on the inside? What happened to enjoying someones company? What happened to the personality? And when did it all end?

And with that, I will conclude my rant for the evening. Thank You and goodnight.  ¶ 12:37 AM 0 comments

  A Myriad of crap For those of you who know me well, You know that I have a myriad of free time, and I truly enjoy it. One of my favorite ways to fill gaps in my day is My Space.

Myspace allows friends to spy on their friends in a completely undaunting environment, it also allows for people to look at pictures, learn way too much about you, and paruse the goods that one has to offer. It is exceptionally exciting.

Myspace is equipped with a 'Top 8' Feature, in which you get to pick your favorite friends, and their pictures are displayed prominently on your page. What does this sound like to you? Yes folks, that is right. Elementary School.

But that is neither here nor there. The problem that I am facing with my top 8 is this:

I currently hold the #1 spot on four peoples top eight. And I am on thirteen peoples top 8 list.

What is a girl to do? Do I say fuck it and put the people I like best on my top 8? Do I put the people I talk to most via Myspace on my Top 8? OR Do I protest it all and put the people I despise most on my top 8?

And ordinarily I would just assume that people do not actually look at this bullshit, but it is totally untrue, all of those freak-o's pay attention to who is on the top 8, whether they admit it or not.

But onto something else. Lets look at my new picture, and decide whether it is splendid and spectacular or second rate and so-so...

  ¶ 11:28 AM 6 comments

  Hello 2006 What happens when you put the dynamic duo together?



One phrase comes to mind. Girls Just Want To Have Fun.

Mission Accomplished.

We hope all of you had a very safe and very Happy New Year, may 2006 bring all the happiness and joy that you deserve.  ¶ 12:25 PM 0 comments