Box it up baby, on to 2006. New Years Plans have been squared away.

Life has been squared away.

2005 is pretty much squared away.

And the last few days of 2005 was a total success in my book. So to make 2006 as memorable as possible, I have decided to make a few changes. To the calendar, that is.

Blog readers worldwide, I will now unveil my top secret plan of 'calendar reinvention'

January will be a dual purpose month. Not only will it be a time that people will try to fulfil their New Years Resolutions, but it will also become lent. I see no reason to suffer for two months when we can combine the two and have just one month to suffer.

February is the holder of Valentines Day, which I hate (and for the record I am an equal opportunity hater- whether I am in a relationship or not-). So I have decided to change it. Valentines Day will still exist, but it will be a day to celebrate your best friend. If your best friend happens to be the one you knock boots with, so be it. Red roses will henceforth be eliminated (as will carnations- but that should have happened long ago) and an appropriate gift for the NEW and IMPROVED Valentines Day will be posted when it is more pertinent (Like sometime in February) but I am thinking electronic devices...

March will become the "Celebration of Dr. Suess" and every March 2nd, all career professionals will be required to dress up as one of the infamous characters. This blessed day marks the birth of the man himself.

April fools day will be replaced with the day that we singles make fun of you coupled folks. This poking of fun will last for twenty four hours, and the jokes cannot be cruel or harmful. But I reserve the right to call all of those who have no business being in a relationship into question (IE the people that hate their spouses but stay together out of fear of the unknown, etc.)

May and June will be marked by sending all good Mothers and Fathers on cruises. Who decides who is a good mother and father? Easy, that would be Santa Claus (he has the most naughty and nice experience).

Fourth of July will no longer be about Barbecue. I dont like it. Instead we will be having five star meals, and fireworks displays will go on every night for the entire month. I like fire works.

August and September are really only celebrations for students. We students will be paid $5.00 a day for every day we attend classes. The tooth fairy will be in charge for doling out the dough.

October has some very important changes in store for it. We young adults will be taking Haloween back from the grubby little children. Instead of candy, everyone will be assigned a letter. A or B. A's are in charge of buying liquor, B's in charge of greasy food. Then all adults between certain ages (21-37) will trick or treat, not with buckets, but with shot glasses. Too drunk? Need a snack? Look for a house with greasy food. Sounds good to me.

November is the month that holds my birthday, A newly declared National Holiday. It will be henceforth referred to as "all hail rebecca day" and everyone will carry their best accessories in order to pay homage to me.

December will be left as it is, but everyone will be required to light up their house festively because I like it. Also, everyone is officially excused from being so damned PC and can say the naughty words like Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa. If any one gets offended, they will just have to do some hard time in the idiots jail.

Agree, Disagree, I don't care. It is my calendar- but any additions can be submitted and I will take them under further review.  ¶ 7:03 PM 2 comments

  Diggin' For Gold Another timeless story to add to my repoirtoire.

While working last night, I believe I experienced the strangest thing ever.

I walked up to one of my tables to greet them, and there was a mid- thirties balding man, sitting there, as plain as day, picking his nose. Not scratching his nose, but most certainly picking his nose. The guy was tickling his brain. I did not know what to do, so I just carried on as if this man DID NOT have his finger up his nose, and asked him what he would like to drink...

He answers, all the while his finger up his nose... When I came back with his beer, He ordered, just as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened, never got up to wash his hands, never pulled out antibacterial hand sanitizer, nothing. Hell, he even had his grubby little paws all over the menu. The man just went about his meal as if he had never shoved one of his digits up his nasal cavity. (I did make the judgement call to throw that menu away)

When he left, I took a walk with my boss to go look at the clouds, and we were discussing the nose picker. I have seen the car nose pickers, the kid nose pickers, and the friend nose pickers.... BUT GROSS. I know most everyone has picked their nose in their adult lives, but there is a time and place for everything, and a restaurant is not the time or the place.

I find myself asking this one pertinent question, If I had an idiots jail... Would the nose picker be thrown in it?  ¶ 8:21 AM 2 comments

  Suck This Paul. I was just told, via e mail, that my blogs 'Suck' Lately.

Maybe I have been a little blaaaa.

There is plenty of shit being stirred, but it is shit that I cannot talk about on my blog....

But that is neither here nor there. What we have in front of us is this. I need to entertain my people.

So let me share with you a little interesting christmas story. On my list this year were thongs. I know, a very strange thing to ask Santa Mom for, but every year I do it, partly because it bothers her to know that her baby girl is wearing dental floss, and partly because I love bras and panties and any form of lingerie.

Every year, I get cotton blaaaa thongs. I have grown to expect it.

Santa Mom surprised the shit out of me this year by buying me hot thongs, and she bought me hot thongs that match my bras. (Which, is another bad habit of mine... I like to match. All the time.)



Yellow is not the color of choice. She chose black, teal, nude, and light blue.

But rock on Santa Mom. I give you mad props.  ¶ 1:31 PM 0 comments

  Mine field. Pat Benatar says "Love is a Battlefield"-- Who gives a rats ass about love. My life is a fucking MINE FIELD.

So in light of this new revelation, I have decided to take applications for minesweepers.

Know anyone who needs a job? I am hiring.

All you need is a propensity for sniffing out the proverbial bullshit that people are littering my life with-

And please note that the pay sucks.

But dammit if things don't get better soon, I am gonna start construction on a fallout shelter.

Bullshit, Bullshit everywhere, and I don't want a drop to drink.  ¶ 12:45 AM 0 comments

  Shhh... Keep it on the down low. I am gonna let you folks out there in the blog world in on a little secret...

I have a temper similar to King Kong's.

But that is our little secret, because I do not want to be cornered on the Empire State Building.  ¶ 11:21 PM 2 comments

  Political Correctness Can Shove it. OK, kiddies. It is officially Christmas eve eve, Hanukkah Eve, and Kwanzaa Eve Eve Eve. So I have decided to give you folks a little tale I have been conjuring up- for your reading pleasure- As a Christmahanukwanzakah gift.

Political Correctness aside... Truthball Style. (editors notes can be found in the parenthesis)

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAHANUKWANZAKAH

by Ms. SGhetti

'Twas the night before Christmahanukwanzakah, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;



The gift lists were e mailed to the elves with care,

In hopes that My daddy soon would be there (he is a PC Santa that services all);


The twentysomethings were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of Jack Daniels danced in their heads;

And mamma holding her Fendi clutch, and I dreaming of days with no brats (AKA overgrown children still living at home),

Had just settled down for a long overdue roll in the sack,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,


But a big honkin' Crown Victoria, and one tiny dauchund,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be Santa S'Ghetti.

More rapid than S'Ghetti speaking her mind his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, you damn Ford product, don't break down tonight- all the twenty somethings are waiting, and they are quite the fright (when they don't get what they want)

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away DONT FALL!"

As Mary Poppins goes when she opens her umbrell-y,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the Crown Vic full of booze, and Santa S'Ghetti too.


And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The vrooming and screeching of each tire spinning about.

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,

Down the chimney Santa came with a bound.

He was dressed all in Polo, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of booze he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a bartender just beginning his shift.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!(and now you know where Ms. S'Ghetti gets the good looks from)

His mischevious little smile, showed that he knew-- the people would be pleased with the gifts that he brewed.

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly

That shook, when he laughed like a bowl full of Jello (shots.)

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the glasses; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a honk,

And away they all flew like only Jet Blue can do.


But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmahanukwanzakah to all, and to all a good-night."


Merry Merry Christmas, Ya'aallll Be safe, and happy, and all that Jazz.  ¶ 11:33 PM 2 comments

  Growing up is hard to do. When I was seven, I was certain that I would stay seven forever. I figured everyone just kind of froze at a certain age. My best friend would always be Amanda Hutchinson, we would always spend every day of every summer in her pool, and we would always have slumber parties, and we would always be just like we were. ALWAYS.

Then it happened. We grew up. She went off to college, and I was stuck in highschool. Then I went off to college, and I met my HLP. Somewhere in there, our dynamic changed. We still love each other, because we are like sisters, we are each others oldest friends. But somewhere in there, she turned into her, and I turned into me.

We lived our life.

And now, my oldest friend is pregnant. On purpose. She is going to be a mother herself.

I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around it.

I think it has finally happened, we are grown ups now.  ¶ 12:05 AM 0 comments

  So... Do they give God out with your college degree's? Take two steps back for this little rant, I may get struck with lightening.

A dear friend, who shall remain nameless, politely asked me to join Facebook. It is a place you can find all of your long lost class mates, and college buddies.

Really, I figured I was safe. I don't honestly care to be in connection with most of the people I spent "the best years of my life" (AKA Highschool) with. No hard feelings, I just like my current posse' one hell of a lot better.

Well, apparently people can search the databases by highschool. And apparently people want to get into contact with me.

I went to a regular public highschool, with regular folk, and they were regular highschool people. They did the drink, party, study repeat thing.

Every last one of these kids has now "found God" and has taken it to the next step by plastering bible quotes all over their page.

And then right next to those bible quotes, there are the stories of "this one night when I got plastered...."

Don't get me wrong. I am not sacreligious, but my beef with organized religion is proven right here.

HYPOCRITES.  ¶ 9:15 AM 1 comments

  Mamma Knows Best Maybe it is just me, but I think I know EXACTLY what people should do with their lives, and EXACTLY what changes need to be made.

Yet, time has proven that I have no fucking clue as to what to do and what to change within myself.

Sometimes, when I am in deep thought, I spend hours considering the "what if's" of life.

What if I had listened to my mother and never consumed a Soda?

What if I had not stayed in Florida for so long?

What if my estranged husband could have learned to control his temper before he broke my trust?

What if I had never gone to Florida?

What if I had never re-thought the most hideous argument over nothing with the best friend in the world?

What if I had dated the boy that was everything wrong?

What if I had rebelled against authority like every one else?

What if I had never tried to be Jiminy Cricket to all of my friends?

What if my Grandmother was still alive?

What if I had never smoked a cigarette?

What if I had paid more attention to certain people?

What if I had gone to the college I intended on going to?

Life, in general, is filled with what if's. Life, in general, is filled with people who know what you should do better than you. Life, in general, has no clear cut path. It is just a bunch of people trying to make it the way they know how. But no one knows, and no one learns in a sensible manner. It is just good old fashioned trial and error.

One of the smartest people I know said to me once "If we all learned from our parents mistakes, we would all be millionaires right now."

I am beginning to think he was right.  ¶ 12:43 AM 0 comments

  Company Parties, and Cedar Springs, and Whiskey... Oh My! June and I made the rounds last night....

First it was 'Pugsley's Library' which can only be described as repulsive. Every elidgible, old, fat, nerdy, red neck man in Dallas was there, watching WWF on the big screen television. It was truly incredible-- You could have heard a pin drop in there- They were all very concentrated on the game.

We said hello to all of the freaks June works with, and quickly ducked out of that situation, before something bad happened.

After seeing the scum of the earth in regards to men, we had to go se the 'creme de la creme'-- The only place to find a plethora of true fabulousness is Cedar Spring. We met Scotty Pants and lots of other people. We were SUPPOSED to meet Salty, but he ditched us. Bad Salty, bad.

On our way to the next bar, we met an old friend who occasionally stops by the blog. Spank Boy was out and about. And, being the good sport he is, he let us steal him from BULI and he came along for the ride. Everyone say hi to Spank Boy.

The Pants is a working man, so we had to send him off to bed. But since June and I are irresponsible folk, we continued the 'pickle your liver' quest. Our last stop of the night: S4's Rose Room. If any of you were there, that was me that ran smack into the drag queen, that was June modeling her Donna Karen pants on stage.

We made it home safe and sound, and passed out.

Good times had by all. The next showing of our moccary is scheduled for some time in the New Year.  ¶ 9:20 AM 1 comments

  The Reindeer's Replacement Remember how I told you that my father was Santa Claus?

One of the secrets you do not know is that when a new Santa Claus comes in, they get to make changes--

Meet the new Reindeer:


Small, but packs quite a punch.  ¶ 9:04 AM 0 comments

  Crazy Biiiiatch. OK.

So I was having drinks with a friend.

I get this phone call... Nay, I get seven phonecalls. I finaly decide to answer.

It is from a FRIEND'S babies mama (insert ghetto laughter here)

She has figured out his voicemail code, and decided to call me. Oh how lucky I am.

She tells me to stop calling her boyfriend. (didn't know they were together)

She tells me she doesn't know me, so she cannot trust me.

She knows my life history, and quizzes me on it.

She is batshit crazy. This is a given.

BUT, I say they are knocking boots.... They have to be. I mean seriously....

But he denies it to the death....

So lets take a vote.

Is he doing her or not?  ¶ 12:30 PM 2 comments

  Story time. OK, here on my blog-- I make the rules (since it is my blog and all)

Today, the name of the game is

Lets tell a story. I am going to start. You people must add a sentence to the story(and you can do so in the comment box). Do NOT close this window without playing the game. If you open the page twice today, you gotta add two lines... And so on and so forth.

Remember, I know who is reading (and my father is Santa Claus) so if you do not play my game- You will get coal in your stocking.

I will start.

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there was a......  ¶ 12:31 PM 8 comments

  Mobile Closet It is official. My car has turned into my mobile closet....

I couldn't find my shoes today, I looked everywhere-- Under the bed, in the closet, on the floor, under the eruption of laundry.... It seemed that the damn shoes had taken a hike.

I was just about to rethink my outfit to match shoes that I could locate, when it struck me.... I went out to my car, and there they were.... My brown shoes. Along with my black heels, my work shoes, my sneakers, and two pair of flip flops.

I also had two of my winter coats, my sweatshirt, a sweater, two pairs of pants, and various accessories.

Which leads me to a delimma. My corture must be located in one place, so I either need to clean out my room and move everything to my car, or clean out my car and move it into my room. Decisions, Decisions.  ¶ 11:54 PM 2 comments

  Jaded For the last five months, I have become this tangled ball of emotions.

I turned into this exceptionally Jaded and extremely untrusting person.

It was one bad experience after another, after another, after another.

And the proverbial garden of life was ridded of weeds- and it hurt pretty bad to lose some people I thought would never ever stray.

What I didn't realize in all of this is that I would grow to understand myself so much better. I now know what I can take and what I can't. I now know that the only person who can break down the walls that I have constructed to ensure my heart never shatters again is myself. I now know that there are people who have to be forced to love you from a distance because they don't know how to love you up close. I now know a lot of lessons that I should have never had to learn.

I also know that some of the judgements I have cast on people in the past are wrong. For better or for worse- I thought some people were 'safe' and they weren't. I thought some people were 'shifty' and all the while they were not either.

I made an executive decision today, the bitch quotient is going to go down considerably. The jaded and untrusting quotient is also going to go down.

I am still hurt, and I still dont understand it all.... But I think it is time that I stop using the world as my punching bag.

This does not, however, mean that the truth balls of destruction are going to cease. Some things never do change.  ¶ 11:50 PM 1 comments

  Lesbiterians of the world unite. For this little tale, I am going to have to ask you folks to use your imagination...

Picture this dork: He is tall and skinny, mousy brown hair that is an almost mullett, round geek glasses, wears the SAME strange black jean jnco pants that fit in the waist-- With a large skeleton on the ass. Wears the SAME black t shirt with a skeleton on it, tucked in to his Jnco's, a belt, and White Sneakers.

I work with this fuck up.

And this fuck up sat with June and I last night-- which was not so objectionable because we were chugging on bottomless glasses of wine... But the glasses were not so bottomless that we found said dork even remotely attractive.

Excuse me for having taste.

So today I get to work, and it was a game of twenty questions...

Dork: So, what did you two do last night?
Me: Drank, then we watched a movie.
Dork: Where did you watch the movie?
Me: In my bed.
Dork: Was June with you?
Me: Yes.
Dork: Did she spend the night?
Me: Yes.
Dork: Where did she sleep?
Me: In my bed.
Dork: Where did you sleep?
Me: In my bed.
Dork: Oh, you slept in the same bed?
Me: Yes.
Dork: Did you do anything else last night?
Me: We cackled.
Dork: Oh..... So where do you live?
Me: At my mom's house.
Dork: Are you ever going to move out?
Me: Yes.
Dork: Where are you going to move?
Me: To Dallas
Dork: Are you going to live with anyone?
Me: Yeah, June.
Dork: Oh, so you two are lesbians?
Me: What makes you think that?
Dork: Well, neither one of you were interested in me, so I just assumed.

Well, Dear sir. Thank you. Thank you for further proving my jadedness toward the masses of the male community. Thank you. NOOOOOO, thank you.

Thank you for not understanding that girls can be friends, thank you for not understanding that you are FUCKING ugly. Thank you for not understanding that you are a 38 year old "night at the roxbury" character come true.

But most of all, huge dork, thank you for the hour of laughter that ensued, because of you I dont have to do sit ups for a week.  ¶ 8:53 PM 1 comments

  Intelligence is relative. I am not a dumb girl.

In fact, I consider myself to be quite intelligent.

But, apparently the kind people of Arlington Independent School District, as well as the lovely folks at The University of North Texas forgot to enlighten me about something...

Hot Tubs and Alcohol don't mix.

That is all I've got for today.... And if you have any other life lessons that were not taught to me up until this point, feel free to enlighten me.  ¶ 1:29 PM 2 comments

  The storm of Icy Death Yes, yes, I know.

We Texans DO NOT know what to do when ice hits.

Instead of doing a Google search on "what to do when storms of icy death hit" we decide to do something somewhat different.

We panic. We freak out. We go buy groceries. We act like total fuck ups.

Why? You ask?

Let me tell you.

Many, many, many, many, many, many moons ago- when cavemen were roaming the earth- We had this 'Natural Selection' bit working for us. The dumb, sick, weak, and old became dinner for the dear saber tooth tigers. Thus, those that were left to breed were smart and strong.

Our modern society has basically eliminated the whole idea of natural selection. OD on drugs? We can fix it. Cut your arm off while chopping down a tree? We can fix that too. Most any stupid decision can now be reversed, or corrected thanks to modern medicine...

And with all of the medical advances, we are breeding bigger idiots with every generation...

And now I regret to inform you that we have taken this whole 'down with natural selection' theory to a whole new level.

Today, The City's finest, also known as the police, took it upon themselves to close major bridges. Not because there was a wreck. But because they were afraid there was going to be a wreck. Way to be proactive, way to think ahead. But damnit- there goes another form of natural selection.

**** Disclaimer- My mother thinks that this post is exceptionally rude and heinous. She had nothing to do with it. She takes no credit for my cruel sense of humor.  ¶ 12:05 AM 4 comments

  Mid Twenties Mutant Diva Turtle You may know my cousins, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.... I am their second cousin twice removed, Mid Twenties Mutant Diva Turlte...

They eat pizza, I eat egg whites (gotta keep that girlish figure)

They spend their time saving the world with num chucks, I spend my time shopping and saving the world from fashion faux pauxs.

Their Ninja names are Leonardo, Donatello, Michael Angelo, and Raphael.... My Diva name is-- Cher.

They have a mutant rat named Splinter-- I have a mutant gay man named Scotty Pants.

Thats right, I have morphed into a turtle....

My shell being the covers on my bed....

Occasionally I will stick out a toe, or an arm, or on the rare occasion my head-- only to realize that the world is too cold, too bright, or too something....

And then I retreat into the warmth of my shell, also known as covers...

But I am in need of three more Diva Turtles, anyone care to join me?  ¶ 10:58 AM 6 comments

  The cosmic stars are lining up. Ahhh,

I am over my feeling of cosmic deficiency.... As My Darling Sororrity Sister turned dear friend turned therapist turned roomie has reminded me that I am pretty damn lucky.

Once you read her splendor of a post, you will be elated to know that the position of fairy god mother has been filled upon approval from Santa Claus.

One small thing, dear Fairy Godmother, you will have to relocate to Texas. But Santa Dad will take care of the relocation costs.  ¶ 11:05 AM 4 comments

  it is all in the stars.... Damnit. I have never really paid close attention to the whole astrology thing, other than reading my horoscope when it is convenient... And I also know that my personality closely fits that of a scorpio's, example to follow:

SCORPIO-
Secretive, Volatile, Obsessive, Brooding, Intense, Moody, Hot Headed, Lustful, Jealous and Demanding, Obstinent, Quick Tempered, Totally Hypnotic.

And that pretty much sums me up in a nutshell...

But what I never realized is that for the most part, my friends are all either Virgos, Libras, Scorpios, or Cancers. There are very few exceptions to this rule, and I find that eerie.

I had my Tarot cards read on Friday evening- and those too were oddly truthful. It is all kind of freaky.

Why all this talk of the stars? I dont really know. But all of a sudden, The cosmic forces are of particular interest to me. Maybe because I think that I am cosmically challenged lately. Maybe because I am searching for those who won't drop me in the proverbial ocean when they get the chance, or maybe because I just plainly and simply have too much time on my hands.

But what can I say? I am trying to make sense out of the things that make no sense at all.  ¶ 9:54 PM 4 comments

  Nothing screams Christmas Cheer like a Christmas Sweater Vest Ahhh. The mystique of the weekend...

This weekend was Mark and Bryan's Christmas party, and it was splendid. Those boys know how to throw a party.

Pure Splendor.

Yeah, I know.... We are big dorks... But- eh. Embrace it. I am, after all, the Mac Mommy.  ¶ 12:06 PM 4 comments

  Venus and Mars Work...

An endless source of stories....

While at work today, I believe I witnessed the weirdest damn thing EVER..... EVER! Not only was it the weirdest damn thing ever, but I have discovered that women and men are not from different planets, they are from different fucking solar systems.

One of my regular customers came in tonight, and she was dressed to the hilt... She was meeting 'the boy'- her current distraction if you will. Long story short, she has liked the boy forever and a couple of months ago in their drunkenness, the hooked up. Whatever.

And then, in typical boy fashion he blew her off- and in typical girl fashion she blew him off... And then he saw the light, and asked her to dinner. So dinner they had,

I could feel the sparks from across the room.... They were flirting so much I felt bad filling up their glasses... Who wants to disturb that kind of flirting?

He was writing her little notes on napkins and placing them in her cleavage....

She was touching his arm....

He was singing to her....

She was swooning for him...

I thought- for sure- that those two were gonna hit the sheets. No doubt in my mind... And then it happened...

They got up, and headed for the door after their two and a half hour dinner- and being the very good (and very nosy) waitress that I am, I went to check out the parking lot action...

And what did 'the boy' do?!? Did he kiss her? Did he hug her? No.

He stuck out his fist and gave her "dap"

I laughed, I laughed until I was rudely interrupted by the poor unfortunate girl....

She came back in and said- in her most frazzled voice "We were sending off sparks! We could have heated Antartica! And what?!? We go outside, he gives me "dap" and says 'Bye baby, thank you for a wonderful time.' and he gets in his car and leaves!!!!!! Can you believe this shit?!?"

No. No I could not believe this shit. Who flirts all night, calls someone baby, and offers them dap to say goodnight?!? WHO???

So I did the only thing I knew to do, I bought the girl a drink....

But people, people out there in cyberland, explain this to me- Please, I beg of you.... Explain this to me- so I can explain this to her next Thursday. I just don't understand these boys.  ¶ 12:37 AM 2 comments