101 Sex Tips Holy Bejeesus,

Cosmopolitan has re-written the same damn article for the 101st time. At least once a year, I walk by the magazine rack, and Cosmo calls my name... I buy it, and then I remember why I stopped my subscription when I was 18.

What caught my eye? Fall's new hair styles. Not new, not good, but since I owned the magazine... I figured I should read it.

These damn 101 sex tips, "Mattress moves so good he will forget his name... But remember yours forever." They write this fricking article every three months, and the tips are always so lame. My god, if you want sex tips, it is time for a trip to the local gayberhood. You will SEE 101 sex tips while trying to decide what bar you want to go into.

Here are a few of my favorites of Cosmo's 'brilliant' ideas from the mouths of idiot straight men (disclaimer: not all straight men are idiots... But there are several that fall into this category.)

-Say My Name. It makes me feel like a man.
(does his mother make him feel like a man when she screams 'Bradley clean your rooom!!!!!!!!!!!!'?)

-Sixty-nine can be hard to pull off, but it's worth trying. While my girl gives me intense oral bliss, I get to watch her legs tremble while treating her to my mouth moves.
(What? In the words of Carrie Bradshaw, "I think 69 went out in 1969." And lets talk about this assholes wording.
What the fuck?!?)

-Tell me I feel really big. It is such an ego boost.
(Ummm... Was this some bit of trivia that we have not picked up on? If so, what rock have you lived under?)

- Keep Your boots on.
(This is a good tip, because then when you realize you are having sex with a total ass, you can run- your shoes are
already on afterall.)

-Let's be really loud like-wake-up-the-neighbors loud. I want them to know how damn lucky I am.
(Now won't he be the topic of the next neighborhood association meeting?)

- Instigate a sloppy, full mouth make out session.
(This idea comes from a nineteen year old... But who wants a sloppy kisser? No thanks.)


Holy cannoli, these guys are good for some laughs.  ¶ 4:42 PM